Gentle Reader, I hear you. Many progressive Christians have such persons in our circles who’ve become hard to be in relationship with. I’m not going to pretend that there’s an easy answer to this. It’s complicated.

On one hand, words attributed to Jesus do call us to love our enemies and to seek reconciliation. I don’t want to minimize that. As Robert Greene writes, In a speech Abraham Lincoln delivered at the height of the Civil War, he referred to the Southerners as fellow human beings who were in error. An elderly lady chastised him for not calling them irreconcilable enemies who must be destroyed. “Why, madam,” Lincoln replied, “do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?

We can shift from hating the other and move toward a place of compassion, care, and pity. As St. Tikhon of Zadonsk wrote, It is a fearful thing to hate whom God hath loved. To look upon another…his weaknesses, his sins, his faults, his defects… is to look upon one who is suffering. He is suffering from negative passions, from the same sinful human corruption from which you yourself suffer.  ..This is very important: do not look upon him with judgmental eyes of comparison, noting the sins you assume you’d never commit. Rather, see him as a fellow sufferer, a fellow human being who is in need of the very healing of which you are in need. Help him, love him, pray for him, do unto him as you would have him do unto you.

I’ve written a piece - “Ending the Civil War” -  to offer tools to help polarized persons engage in healthy ways. That said, I’m also reminded of Scott Stratten’s sage wisdom: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the jackass whisperer.”

To the extent that we can, we should try to err on the side of grace and inclusion and not burn bridges. On the other hand, Jesus also taught how to impose boundaries, and even, at times, to cut some people out of our lives. Jesus didn’t make unity an idol; he promoted faithfulness to God and God’s beloved community and rejection of the ways of empire.
“Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division.” Luke 12:51

“If you are not welcomed, dust your feet off. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” Matthew 10:14

Salvation means wholeness, well-being, and liberation, and that involves self-care. Persons who are oppressed (and those who care about them) understandably feel wary of engaging with people who are actively oppressing them – their need to feel safe is paramount. Living in this current political and cultural environment is rife with stress and anxiety. We don’t need more of that in our daily lives.

I fully support cutting some people out of our lives - or - to set firm boundaries about how certain people will or won’t be interacting with us. The author of John attributes these words to Jesus: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” (15:15)

If someone knows your values, priorities, and commitments and rejects them, why would you want to be friends with them? How is that even a friendship?

Brené Brown teaches that daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. “I can find God in you, I can find love in you, but I’m going to hold you accountable for what you’ve done while I’m loving you.”

Blessings to you as you prayerfully navigate the best way forward for you.

~ Rev. Roger Wosley